How God Called Me Away from My Job: Part 4 - Compromise / Mar '20
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me."
John 10:27
I've worked a few places in my life, and when you quit, you just . . . well, quit. That's the end. You agree on a date and finish out what you can to best of your ability, and leave what you can't to the next person. Pretty simple. So, that's how I expected this situation to go down. But I was wrong.
I pulled into my work parking lot the morning I awoke from the dream (A New Path: Part 3) and called my husband to discuss with him. Then, I prepared myself to tell my supervisor I needed to be home during this season of life. A thought came to me along the lines: "She's going to offer you less hours." Knowing the voice of God better in my life now, I believe he was giving me a word of knowledge and was preparing me to be ready for the conversation that would ensue. But I kind of blew it off, because I didn't have enough experience believing God's voice like that. So, I didn't even pray through what to do when that happened. Should I take the company's offer and just cut back hours? After all, that would allow some money to still flow in, and I could stay relevant on my resume. But didn't God say quit? That I wouldn't find rest in the "in-between"? So, shouldn't I just cold turkey quit? But, instead of dealing with those questions, I just moved along, hopeful and expectant to leave the conversation headed down a new path. But that's not exactly at happened. Like most good stories, there was a plot twist.
In fact, what did happen was exactly what that Voice of Knowing said. I had never worked somewhere that, when you try and leave, the company tries to accommodate what you're needing in your life instead. They offered to let me cut back on hours and work with me however needed to facilitate a happy medium between work and personal life. Talk about a gift...at least from a natural viewpoint. How many people would love to have this freedom? But in my case, was it really a gift if God said leave? Is going opposite of God's counsel ever a gift? Looking back now on this with perspective 2.5 years later, I believe this was the point where I allowed confusion to enter in. Instead of doing what God was leading me to do, I compromised.
Two weeks later, having cut back hours, I was still miserable. Go figure. During all the emotional turmoil of trying to justify and settle into my new found "freedom," I had a dream that I'm going to recap now. As you read it, keep in mind the word confusion. The scene opened with me sitting on a bed. I got up and started slowly inspecting the room I was in. It had a few hooks for hanging clothing, towels, etc. And it had some sort of kitchen area and/or bathroom, like a private lodging area. It was very small, and somewhat bleak, with concrete block walls. I got the feeling I was being held captive, like a trafficking situation. I appeared to be waiting on someone for some sort of answer. Eventually, a man that I felt familiar with appeared in a long, tan trench coat. He was skinny and pale, with black and pepper mullet-like hair, and not super confident. He said to me, "I want you to take the/that job." As I began to wonder what he meant... Was this my handler?...immediately from the behind the open door of my room came a bulky man, with no distinctive face, and punched the trench coat man twice in the face.
I kept my mouth shut, and figured once Bulky Guy left, Trench Coat Guy and I would talk about what actions to take - regarding the aforementioned job, regarding Bulky Guy's abuse, etc. I guess Trench Coat Guy felt the same, because he proceeded to give me directives concerning the job he wanted me to take, like when and where to show up. He never acknowledged what had just occurred, and Bulky Guy just stood waiting until Trench Coat Guy finished his instructions. Then, Bulky Guy led Trench Coat Guy toward the door to leave my room, while I still sat on the bed. As soon as Bulky Guy crossed the threshold of my door, without warning, he turned and pummeled Trench Coat Guy in the face over and over, with the force of his punches pushing Trench Coat Guy back into my room and toward my bed. It was traumatic to watch, and I became acutely aware that I had no idea what might happen to me once Bulky Guy was tired of taking out his wrath on this guy. I woke up, breathing deeply.
Interestingly, Bulky Guy never turned his sights to me once. He was interested only in Trench Coat Guy. Why? And what did the whole thing mean? It took me a long time of sitting with the Holy Spirit to begin to understand what I believe God was revealing, as there are many ways to see this dream. In essence, though, I feel I have enough clarity now to simplify and relay my thoughts about it.
So, in essence, here was this wimpy guy giving me orders, and then another guy appearing out of nowhere and beating on him randomly and intermittently. And the wimpy guy wasn't fighting back at all! And I was being held captive and ordered around, but somehow familiar and identifying with my captor/handler. Um, that couldn't be good, could it? No. The answer is no. Simply put, I believe Trench Coat Guy represented my soul man, driven by my subconscious, which was being led (in this situation) not by the Spirit of God, obviously, but a spirit of fear/intimidation.
Side Note: If it is confusing to you that Trench Coat Man and I were as one and the same person (of sorts), I put this together by other intermittent dreams I had for a certain span of time where I was either birthing or carrying a baby. Through those dreams, I learned God was rebirthing me, caring for me, and weaning me. The baby I was carrying was indeed representative of me. So, it is possible for a character in your dream to actually be you, even though you yourself are in the dream. This confused me for a while, so I thought I would mention what I have learned. It was part of the Holy Spirit's tutoring me.
Back to the dream, I was confused by it for a long while, as I couldn't quite grasp what it meant. I prayed with my husband, and heard the word subjection. And when I listened to teaching one day, and the teacher spoke at one point about confusion, it hit me that confusion is exactly what I was feeling about the whole thing, which was the point! I had allowed confusion to enter in by compromising. God had put within me a heart's desire, and I was going against that heart's desire, when God was not only confirming it was okay to leave, but that he wanted me to. I had subjected myself to the control of a "strong man" other than Holy Spirit, mainly fear and intimidation regarding finances, and it felt degrading. This is where the sense of captivity in my dream came from, and my odd familiarity with Trench Coat Guy. He exuded degradation! I knew what I wanted and needed to do, and I really needed major courage.
All I can say is thank God for his grace! He's faithful, and he walked me through this season. He was teaching me to hear his voice in a way that I could get it, and he was also teaching me to trust and obey. If you're in a similar situation where you are desperate and/or learning to hear, he will do the same for you. He loves you and will help you be courageous by His Spirit. As I mentioned before, there is the spiritual and the natural world. And these two are enmeshed everyday in ways that sometimes we just don't even realize. Learning this can take time, and we have to get stronger and gain trust. It's building a relationship with the Holy Spirit is what it is. And all relationships take time to develop and deepen.
In the next post, I'll continue this story. As I said, it took a while - meaning months - to understand what this dream represented. I was working less hours during that time and trying to figure everything out. As with all of life, it was a journey. And come about July, that journey took a turn. But that's for next post!
One last thought I want to leave you with that pertains to the topic of this post is that, not long after this dream, I started listening to a teaching by a minister of the gospel, and something rang true in that teaching. He reminded everyone, "Your God is whatever dictates to you how you live." And with money specifically, it was pointed out that you can handle it, or it will handle you. I think this is a really good reminder for all of us. And I'll leave it at that for now.
Blessings!
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