In this post, I'm diving right in, starting with an excerpt from my last post
: The Shift, Part 2. (For the entire story, start with Part 1.)"I woke up with a strong conviction that God was saying to me, and agreeing with me, that this job wasn't a fit. One of the specific prayers I wrote in my journal was: I need confirmation of what I'm feeling . . . which to me meant, 'I need to know that what I am feeling is from you, God.' But being the analytical type I am, here was my question. What if it was my soul, just expressing visually what I felt? What if it wasn't God's Spirit?"
So, picking up from here, I would love to tell you that I acted right away and quit my job, but that's not the case. There's this "gap" that I've learned exists for me between the spiritual world and the natural world. At least that's what I call it. It's a place where I get the chance to choose to believe and put into action what I've been learning or what's been revealed to me. And it's a place for me where the impact of the revelation that may be, or is, coming forth can be minimized, or even lost, if not taken hold of with earnest consideration. It really is a choice. It's the difference between two responses: "Huh, that was weird; oh well," versus "God, are you speaking?" It's the place I ask those questions: "Am I really hearing?" And, "How important is this really?" And I either explore it or I don't. It's really that simple, and it's almost alarming how quickly that window of exploration can shut, based on an almost subconscious decision. It's that place in The Matrix where Neo could take the red or blue pill to either go more toward truth, or shake off the "sense of more" and decide to ignore it completely.
I believe most people can identify with what I'm talking about, at least on some level. After all, we all dream, and we're all spiritual beings. But we are in a war for our attention, and some people don't realize this. And when things don't make sense right away, and we don't have the time, nor the energy, to meditate on a possible revelation, it's easier to just shrug it off and move on with life. In my case, though, as had been the case over the past three (plus) years, I couldn't shake a lot of things I was being shown. In this particular situation, I was lacking experience to be able to confidently go forward, but I did believe I was hearing God. So I petitioned again.
Although there are other occurrences I could mention of how God met me during this time and from this point, I am fast-forwarding to this next particular one. My life was pretty busy, and though I didn't journal all of this, I remember telling God that, yes, I believed I was hearing him, but the question for me now was: Even if this job isn't a fit, I don't want to walk out of your timing. WHEN do I quit? Finally, I asked: Do I quit tomorrow? I don't want to be anywhere one day later than I'm supposed to be. This was on February 23.
That night, I had a dream it was twilight, and I was in a building where a group of people was having an event that included a sleepover. Maybe a youth lock-in/sleepover? Or a camp or weekend retreat? But instead of being just a church or random building, this resembled a hotel, with numbers outside the rooms. I was trying to locate my room in the middle of the night, as I maneuvered around youth sleeping on the floors in sleeping bags. I went into one room and realized it wasn't mine. I was perturbed I couldn't find my space. Everyone else was slumbering away. Why wasn't I? Then, I went up a flight of stairs to the third floor and I found my husband sleeping peacefully. All of a sudden, it was like looking through a telescope, and my vision zoomed in on the room number outside the door. It was Room #204.
Hmmm. Why would a room on the third floor have a second floor number assigned to it? When I woke up, I meditated on this, asking the Holy Spirit to sit with and help me, and I realized that 204 was comprised of a 2 and a 4 (omitting the zero), and today was February 24. I had prayed about when to quit, and here were the numbers 2 and 4 on February 24. How joyful my heart was to realize God had answered my prayer. Quick pause here for the person wondering: What about the zero? . . . Ah, good question. This would have also messed with me years ago, but by this point, I had heard other testimonies, and worked with God on these things long enough to have faith to believe that the zero can just be a space filler. It can literally be seen as not having meaning. So I want to make sure to mention that. I can't convince anyone; that's not my job. But you can read my testimony and take it to God and just meditate on it for yourself and ask God to prove it out. I totally respect the leeriness. Questions are good. Digressing . . . I felt there was more in God's message to me. The question still remained: Why was Room #204 on the third floor? It never ceases to amaze me how God does multiple things at once! I once heard someone say - and I can't remember who that someone was - that God is usually doing 100 things at once, and we might be tuned into just a few. And I feel that's on a good day!
The higher level (floor) to me was representative of a couple of things. The most immediate and pertinent revelation I feel I received brought conviction. I'm going to type it exactly as I remember it resonating in me: "You won't find your rest in the in-between." It's somewhat hard for me to put this concept into words, but I'm trusting the Spirit will make it resonate well with whoever needs to understand it as I continue. First off, I remember this building having three floors. In a symbolic way, I believe the first floor represented the ways of the world, with its chasing and striving for security. The mindset of the world is that all the running will eventually pay off and lead to great rest, but we all know after a bit of experience that this is an illusion on so many levels. And then, the third floor represented the ways of God, with his plans and purposes for me, which include his anointing, grace, and ability to carry those things out, and most importantly, the true rest(oration) of fellowship in his presence. That last part is vital, because I was searching for my place of rest in the dream, as I was in my soul.
The second floor then, must represent the in-between of these two worlds. I believe God was challenging me to get it through my head to stop straddling the fence, with one foot trying to make life work, and the other foot trusting God. As I'm recapping all of this and typing, the scripture is coming to mind, " . . . Know ye not that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whosoever, therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God." (James 4:4) I believe he was saying I wouldn't find what I needed without complete surrender to his supernatural grace and ability in the path he had for me. And importantly, he did have a path for me, as he does for all of us. It's not that working a full time job is bad. Or that we aren't allowed to pursue desires. But that this point, God has a different path for me. And I knew it so deeply in my spirit man, but I didn't really know how to let God lead my life past a certain point, especially out of this ditch I had found myself in. But, it didn't matter. God was saying it was time, whether I knew how or now. He was calling me up higher, and I could either respond to his call or not. So, Room #204 was symbolically my "calling" into rest, because it represented today, February 24, but the rest itself was found "as I went up" into the higher mindset of God and his ways. This was symbolic to show me that as I did this in the natural as well, I would be on the path to finding the rest I so desperately longed for. Today was the accepted time and day of salvation (2 Corinthians 6:2). So now, it was my choice.
Oh boy. Another dream. Was I going to bail out on this revelation or charge forward in confidence? Keep in mind it's not like I could sit forever with God and take my time. I had to get to work, and I had to make a decision whether I would act today. And here came ALL the thoughts. We were barely making it some days as it was. I was supposed to change my - our - world off this? Why wasn't there anyone I knew I could talk to about these things . . . that could actually help and wouldn't think I was weird? And I needed to have a conversation with my husband out of respect before just quitting my job. Sigh.
So much pressure. That's how I felt. Just so much pressure. Here I was feeling so amazingly grateful for God's speaking to me, while at the same time, feeling very, very alone in these experiences. Finally, the clenching question that gripped me was: How many times was I going to ask God for confirmation before I acted? Even if the Lord was willing to work with me time and time again, giving me 100 confirmations, when would I become stronger for myself and show him I trusted him? Dang. That's tough . . . When there's no one but you to 100% own your decision and follow through on it. I think that's called taking responsibility? And to confidently insist God is guiding that decision by his counsel. Sigh again.
So, I called my husband. I knew not to ask, "Do you think this is God?" We'd been around that mountain enough times. He would say the same thing he always said: "I can't tell you that." Dang again. Of course, he would ask the sage-like question, "What do you think? Is it God?" He was going to make me own it. Man, how scary. Why couldn't he just decide for me? Our conversation ended with me in tears, not because of anything my husband said, but because the fear of "just doing it" was gripping. But I knew I didn't want to take God's goodness in vain, so I did it. I quit. But, it doesn't end quite that simply. Remember . . . this story lasts 2.5 years. Yep. So I'll pick up here next time, and include some words of encouragement as well.
Until Then,
Blessings
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