Emotional Whirlwinds - Healing Abandonment & Trust Issues

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

... If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. 

- King David 

(Psalm 139:7-8)

I heard crying outside my front door the other day.  At first, I thought one of our neighborhood kiddos had taken a tumble. They're often outside with their parents, so I expected a little comfort to ease the situation.  But about half a minute later, when the crying hadn't resolved, I went closer to the door to look.  Seeing no one around, I stepped outside to find out who was crying, and it was a little girl I knew.  Rivers flowed from her eyes, and her emotions were a whirlwind.  As soon as she saw me, she hysterically cried out, "My parents left me!"  This was alternating with, "I can't find my parents!" I tried to convince her they hadn't left as I picked her up, but she was quite insistent that they had. I reassured her we'd figure it out together, and I wouldn't leave her until we found them.  

Turns out she had gotten confused, as her mom was right around the corner.  As soon as she gained sight of her mom again, her countenance immediately changed, her body relaxed, and she wriggled free of my arms with all intent of running to mom. Then she hesitated just a second, remembered to grab her baby doll and stroller, and then went running at full speed. This was just the cutest to watch, because she didn't forget her "own baby" in the midst of all of this.

Later that night, I was fighting off some panic.  God had confirmed I needed to step out in faith on something I had asked him about, and I had taken my step of obedience in response that day.  I had disappointed a few people in the process, and I also knew that most people in my inner circle wouldn't understand; but as much as this was an unpleasant feeling, it wasn't what was keeping me up. I was actually relieved after obeying God's voice, but I did have some pretty big concerns as a result. I had dozed off but was now fully awake, tossing and turning and trying to nod off again while quoting scripture in my head and thinking of ways God had come through for me.  And then I heard, "Why are you doubting me?" I had been trying to push away the doubt, but God invited me to explore it instead. Thankful for the wisdom of the Mighty Counselor, I thought about my response and met the invitation, answering honestly: "I'm doubting because there are times you've called me to do hard things, and you've met me in amazing and unnatural ways. But there are other times you called me to do hard things, and I honestly feel you didn't meet me. And the truth is that I don't know which will happen this time, so I'm finding it hard to be steady in faith."

God brought the little girl from earlier that day to memory and began to minister to my heart about my perception of him during those times when I felt he didn't show up for me. He gave me a picture of how abandoned and confused I had felt.  Gently, he said to me, "I never left you; I was right around the corner." Then, he added, "I never hide my face from you; you can always find me." Wow. How striking were those words. They were the very essence of Hebrews 4:12: "For the Word of God ... is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of the soul and spirit...". My soul was believing something that was at war with my spirit, which knew that God would never leave me. What I find so amazing is that God knew I would be in my own emotional whirlwind at this exact moment, so he had prepped me for it earlier in the day when dealing with that little girl.  I understand the heart of the parents for that child and that she is wildly loved, and I knew it just wasn't true that they would leave her.  But she was fully convinced in that moment - due to her perception of reality - that yes, they were gone.  God knew I needed that experiential encounter that day to feel her panic, see her tears, and understand her misinterpretation of the situation.  

As he showed me this, I began to calm down and got up to check on my own kiddos who were fast asleep.  I leaned down to move something off their floor and came face to face with a book.  It was face up and right in my line of vision.  It was the very book God had used years ago to lead me into obedience through one of the "hard things" I mentioned earlier. As I picked up the book, I knew God was saying, "Remember this one; remember this one [situation]."  It was a story where God met me in numerous ways as I stepped out to answer his call, but there were two specific and personal miraculous events that I could recall.  And they had to do with exactly what I was anxious about now.

God, as usual, was already steps ahead of me in my current situation. I had just asked my son to return that book to his room that day. I had comforted a crying child who was feeling alone and overwhelmed in the world.  How could I have known that those two things would minister to me so deeply later? I couldn't. That's the beauty of this walk with God. It's agonizing sometimes as he takes us through uncomfortable requests, teaching us to wait, war, and pray, but we're never alone.  He's always ahead of us while walking with us, strengthening and comforting us (Ps 37:23; Is 65:24). And as we seek him continually, he will reveal things to us (Ex 14:14; Ps 46:10-11; Ps 144:1; Matt 7:7-8; Dan 2:22; Jer 33:3). I believe this is the type of walk he desires with all of his believers. It's a call to stretch and grow, but it's also rest and peace. 

How amazing is God! In the span of about 15 minutes, I went from panic mode to rest, and I was able to sleep.  I also had three distinctive dreams that night where God encouraged me.  And I also asked him a question that night before falling to sleep, and he gave me an answer to comfort my heart the next week while I waited for this thing to come to pass according to his word.  It did come, albeit not in the way I expected, as is often the case with God. 

I hope this testimony has encouraged you. It is a story for all of us, the collective body of Christ. I know many of you have your own! It's important that we share these for each other as believers, as well as those who don't believe in Jesus, so they can understand his love for them, as "...God is not one to show partiality..." (Acts 10:34). I will continue to share mine, and I encourage you to share yours, and together, we can all light up the world (Matt 5:16)!

Blessings until next time!

If you genuinely see the beauty in this story but are also using your logical, analytical brain, wondering about the times (referenced in my story) when I felt God did not come through for me, I want to address this. It's easy to give a happy ending with an "all is well that ends well" attitude, and while that quote can be true, our stories never end until we die. So, dealing with the harder parts of a journey is not in vain, as doing so helps us know how to move forward more wisely in the future.  It also helps others maybe navigate their path better.  I am working to address these thoughts, and when I am finished, I will come back and hyperlink it here.