How God Called Me Away from My Job: Part 1 - Surrender
"...Do you despise the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?"
"I had a not great dream about you last night." These were my husband's words upon waking one morning. He shared that - in his dream - I was in an affair with someone at my former place of work. To which I excitedly replied, "I had the same dream!" And I breathed a sigh of thankful relief, as my heart was completely overwhelmed with immense gratitude, in awe at the goodness of God.
To answer your question right out of the gate: No, I was not having an affair. These dreams were symbolic and meant to get my attention (and my husband's) to accomplish a few purposes. They were the final chapter of a very long story spanning 2.5 years, and I am purposely starting here to show how it ends (at least this milestone of it) before backing up to tell the pieces that make up its entirety (in other posts).
To lay the framework, I had been experiencing a deep and gnawing desire to come out of the workplace for a while, but I didn't realize the intensity of that desire until I took a new job and immediately felt the disconnect. The people were great, the culture was great, the job was great. But I could feel a shift in me that was so big, I couldn't stand it. And I wrestled with this feeling over the entire 2.5 years, asking God if this was his leading or my own desire to "jump ship" and just call it God. And here's a very real part of our story: We didn't have anything financially to step into to make up for the lack quitting would bring. This definitely added to my tip-toeing, as it felt "irresponsible" for me to step out into "nothing." Besides, didn't other people work 8-5 without complaining about it? Isn't this just what we do to make it in American society? Specifically looking at women, most of my friends worked, and some even really enjoyed their jobs and were doing great things! So what was wrong with me?
Well, now I know God was calling me into something different. And honestly, I'm not sure he wasn't calling me a lot sooner, but I maybe just wasn't in a place to discern well his heart for our family.
By the time God gave us these dreams, I knew God had told me it was okay to let go of the job and move into my heart's desire. The aforementioned 2.5 years had passed, and I had already resigned from my position. However, after discussions with the company I worked for, I had agreed to stay on about 10 hours a week. But I felt a gnawing uncomfortableness, like I wasn't obeying completely. And I logically knew that, despite cutting back many hours, the job would still hold space in my mind and heart until I let go completely. So I told God I didn't feel peaceful about these 10 hours, as this feeling had become all too familiar, and I petitioned God for wisdom.
After about a week of praying, the dreams came. I'm going to run through the specifics of the dreams and then sum up with what God was telling me (us) from them, as well as some closing thoughts.
My husband's dream: It was snowing and I had on an oversized, bulky coat. I was leaving my office building to get into a car with a man from work, but my husband couldn't see a face. He obviously felt deeply betrayed.
My dream: There was a particular person that God showed me that I was involved with in my dream. This person was very recently married. Also, he was flattering me, telling me that of all people, I really stood out to him.
The overall message of these dreams is that I was in rebellion by this point. It's important to note that God had also been giving us other revelation during this time, and I knew he had said it was harvest time for our family. From putting together pieces of revelation, God was confirming his calling me - and our family - into new covenant. This was represented by the newlywed in my dream. I was now grieving the heart of God (how my husband felt in his dream) by rejecting his goodness toward me in this season. He was calling me to greater things, but I was still holding on to the lesser in my own strength.
In my husband's dream, it was winter, which obviously isn't harvest time, so this wasn't God's word to us. Not only was it the wrong season, but the wrong burden. The coat being too big and bulky meant keeping this job in any capacity would be a load God wasn't asking me to carry, and it would lead me opposite to the rest and goodness he had for me. It would be a heavy load, cumbersome to carry, to which there was no calling or anointing. Yikes! That is really a scary thought. God may call you to things that seem like a lot during a particular season, but there is grace there to handle it. In my dream, God was being clear there was no grace on this job. If I proceeded, I was on my own. Um, no thank you.
Another aspect was the flattery coming at me in my dream, which spoke to me what I already knew to some degree - I was allowing myself to be controlled and manipulated by a sense of being needed when God was saying it was time to go. With control and manipulation representing witchcraft, and also rebellion, the message was clear. It's time to cut the cord, or open myself to things that God didn't want for me. In fact, I was actually already letting those things influence me. Here's some words that come to mind as I ponder this paragraph: sneaky, insidious, subtle, conniving. Shudder.
- Leaving a place or season can be hard, especially if you are breaking free from people pleasing. If you are doing a good job as unto the Lord in your performance and you are forming relationships, you will always leave any place you've invested into better than when you arrived. That's just how it should go in the natural course of things. Anything you touch should bring blessing, and people will many times want you to stay because they recognize these things. This not only goes for the workplace, but it can be anywhere, including a church. But, you will never be happy outside of where God wants you to be. I am believing this bullet point alone is enough to help release someone from staying tied to where you know God is leading you from, and if it's even just one person, then I am a happy person right now...because you matter, as does your purpose and destiny.
- God was merciful to me. I never felt condemned, though I did feel frustrated at times through this season of growth and stretching. He worked with me through the 2.5 years so much, that by the time we made it to these dreams, even though he was correcting me, I felt so loved and seen. And instead of condemnation, there was just a very strong resolution that this was the last time I needed to hear his voice on this particular matter. He corrected me, and I resigned that day completely, and we moved on. And then the story got even better, but that's for another post.
- God was trying to bless me, and I was scared it wasn't him. Wow! I could linger on this point and talk about it for an entire year. Why is it hard to believe sometimes - or often times - that God wants to bless us with good things...that actually bring us joy? He loves us! And he knows us, so he knows exactly what good gifts to give to his children. He has made us all unique, and what is precious to the heart of one person may not be to another. He fashioned us, so he knows. I believe God wants to set some of you free from your own mind. Sometimes we hold ourselves back, and Satan knows exactly how to play right into the apprehension.
- Surrender & yielding are often the end of one story and the beginning of a new. And that's exactly what happened for us. This really is often nothing more than a turning - repentance. But, it takes an act of will to work with God.
_____
A Quick Note re. Dreams:
If dreams and interpretation are newer to you, this post may seem a little weird. This is because dreams are very often symbolic. They can even be uncomfortable or embarrassing until you realize they have that intended impact on you many times because God is tapping you on the shoulder to get your attention through the very thing that is awkward. So instead of trying to block or suppress, ask God what he is showing you. Dreams are really about knowing God's heart. A great example is going to the bathroom in your dream. This can symbolize a confirmation that your heart's desire to let go of something - or things - weighing you down is correct. Or a clogged toilet could be that cares of the world are overwhelming you, and you're "backed up," and God is trying to get your attention with a vivid picture. Or maybe you feel stuck in a situation, as you may be holding onto something God is asking you to release. As gross as that may seem, it resonates, does it not? If you roll with it, and let Holy Spirit do his work, he'll show you all sorts of neat things. As a final note, remember that nothing that God shows you will go against his Word.
Bless You!
Comments
Post a Comment