7 Months - A Grief Reflection

So the heavens and the earth were completed, and all their hosts (inhabitants).
And by the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and he rested (ceased) on the seventh day from all his work which He had done. So God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it [as His own, that is, set it apart as holy from other days], because in it He rested from all His work which He had created and done. 
- Genesis 2:1-3 (Amplified)

Today was a busy day. Busier than I would like. Today is also the 7-month marker of my husband's death. Writing this in September, I think back to last Thanksgiving when he was still with us, and he shared his last significant dream with me. I'm so glad we changed plans and went into a restaurant and sat down to eat instead of driving through somewhere like we'd planned. I'm not sure it wasn't the last place I sat with him to eat a meal outside of our home, just the two of us, before he passed. I remember a baby crying a lot, and I remember praying for God to soothe that baby, because I needed some quiet time with my husband. At one point, the baby settled down. I also remember how the menu had been drastically reduced from what we were used to. Isn't that funny? I know now what God was speaking to him in that dream; I hope to post about it at some point. I also reflect on how, as we were coming up on Christmas holidays, I kept saying to him, "I believe something new is coming soon, around Christmas time." Little did I know that we were both seeing the change coming; we just knew in part, not fully. How differently I would have done things had I realized. Maybe neither of us was permitted to see more clearly. Maybe a lot of things ... but I'll let those thoughts rest for now. 


This is an entry for processing, to give honor to this day before it slips away. It's for me, but it's also for others who stumble upon it.  As I said, it's been a busy day. Going through a payroll system change at work. Packing for a move. School. You know, life. But, I can't let this day slip away without reflecting on the significance of seven months.



Seven is a substantial number. As even just the one scriptural example given above shows, seven signifies rest and perfection, meaning completion and wholeness. James 1:4 says, "...But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire (complete), wanting (lacking) nothing." God's creation was whole, perfect, and complete, lacking nothing. And he ceased from his labor and enjoyed it all on the seventh day. As I reflect on the past seven months, I've said goodbye, I've planned the visitation and service, made countless decisions, switched over accounts, handled mail, cleaned out clothes, let family and friends surround me, cried when needed, laughed so hard I cried, gone back to work full-time, continued homeschooling, counseled with my kiddos, helped my daughter get her license, repaired a car, gotten back to working on this blog, and on and on, including the boring every day moments that make up life. I have to say that seven months feels good. Although there is still some more to do, the vast majority of things concerning his death have been handled. And now, we can rest from all of that labor. 


We can also look forward, as we pack for a move to a new place where he never lived, where new memories will be made, where a feeling of someone missing will still be there, but maybe not quite as heavy because he was never physically in that place. We'll celebrate holidays in a new place with a new tree and maybe a new little pet. TBD. I'm so thankful for God's grace and for the people in my life. I'm also really proud of the kids and myself. We've done a lot and held fast, and now we step into our new normal, as we get into the rhythms of fall and holidays.


Completion and closure are good things. Sometimes, I believe God has us walk through seasons where we don't get closure, as those times require trust. But other times, after a waiting period, he brings closure so quickly. Like now. The past three years in particular were my training ground for pressing, waiting, and going deeper with Holy Spirit. So many Saturday mornings, before our house stirred, I sat with coffee (very important, of course) in the same recliner and poured out my heart (and drank my coffee, of course): questions, praise, grief, forgiveness, anxiety, gratitude. Those are encounters that are literally part of who I am now. So when the time came for my husband to go, I didn't feel distant from God. I felt steady with God, if that makes sense. I felt the same presence and relationship I had cultivated for years. I really could just be, even without words, with God. 


Since he passed, and since I've read a good portion of the book Imagine Heaven, I have a different perspective on my existence here on earth. This is one of the gifts that has personally come out of my experience. I am more aware of heaven. We all know this is how it should be, but somehow it is often a distant thought. One day. But now I know one day can be tomorrow. And I'm ready. I really am ready for when God calls me home, because I will just step over into the same presence I know now; the experience will just be amped up by about 1000%. And knowing that I'm ready gives me reason to make use of the days that I do have. And that is why I write here, on this blog. To just speak to relationship with Jesus. 


Life is a gift. And life is wherever Jesus is. And Jesus is in our hearts, if we allow him to be. And to allow him to be, we only need to invite him to be there. Give him space. An open door to enter. The great thing is that you don't have to clean up before you invite him in. Have you ever heard someone joke that having guests ensures you have a clean house? I finally relaxed on needing everything to be perfect when people come over; wow, what freedom. Same with inviting Jesus into your mess; that's how you know he's family. And he'll help you clean. How wonderful. 


Anyway, these are my thoughts on a Thursday night, 7 months. Closure. Rest. Completion of a cycle. Completion of one cycle means the beginning of another. 

Blessings, 

- Jenny




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