Deep Waters - Part 2: The Ending No One Wanted

I think this is my third time starting this post. I held off for about a year, waiting to write a magical ending to "Deep Waters - Part 1." But the ending, like all extraordinary stories, was an unexpected plot twist, different from any closure I thought God might possibly bring. It's an ending rich in texture, complex in nature, and full of beauty and wisdom: My husband died. I got the call at work in the parking lot. I headed to him in rush hour traffic about 8:30 a.m., and by the time I got where he was, after having waved bye to him two hours before, he was gone. I mean, how do you write a story about God pulling you from deep waters when it ends this way?

This is how...


Two weeks before Craig passed, I began counseling with someone I had picked mainly because they were older. I wanted - scratch that... needed - someone with life experience under their belt. I was struggling with how to be in a 21-year marriage with someone with chronic illness. How was I to discover my role in this scenario? What should my expectations be of him and myself? In our second session together, my counselor encouraged me to take a question to God and give him space to answer how he wanted. The question was dual-faceted. The first part: Was I called to be a caretaker in this season of my life? The second part: This would mean pulling back from other things I felt called to at this point in time; was this okay? Though I felt I was already taking these burdens to God, I left that second session agreeing I would take the questions to God the way my counselor presented them. 



Four days later, before I made it to my next weekly session, my husband had passed. 

My sleeping spot the first few weeks.

You will read that a spouse passing is one of the hardest things you can go through. I can attest to much of this. I slept in a reclining chair for weeks instead of my bed. I took prescription sleep medication to help my racing thoughts at night. I restarted an SSRI after being off for years. I tended to my children who were navigating their own thoughts. I wondered why I had to keep on living. I wondered why I didn't get to say goodbye. I had moments I wanted to call him to tell him small things and remembered I couldn't. I had a hard time going home from work when I started back because I knew he wouldn't be there. I lost my help in the kitchen, as he would help cook a good bit so I could homeschool plan, prep, and teach. I wondered how I was to function as a sexual being after 21 years of active married life. I wondered if he knew I loved him enough and why I didn't put him in the car and take him to the doctor instead of just asking him time and time again if he wanted to go. I wondered how I couldn't see that he was dying before my eyes. I wondered how you can know something is wrong subconsciously but not realize it's THAT bad. I wondered if the conscious mind couldn't comprehend what was happening, so I blocked out the reality of what I was picking up. I wondered if he realized what was really happening. On and on the thoughts went. And yet...


I saw something else: GRACE. There was a peace that came with his passing, even for my kids, especially my older one. She said she saw wisdom in his passing and that she wasn't surprised. I also saw grace surrounding the circumstances of the morning he passed. I had waved bye to him as he left for work, and the kids and I didn't have the added trauma of waking up to someone who had died in the night. We didn't have to call EMTs. He didn't have a wreck on the way to work. He made it into the building, and he wasn't alone when he passed. Also, working at a school, none of the children were aware of or saw what happened. When I look at just these circumstances, I am amazed at the hand of God. I don't believe in any way this is coincidental. I see grace not just for me and our kids, but also I see grace and love for my husband. He wasn't alone. 


Also, financially, there was an enormous amount of grace, considering the past six months before he passed, we had faced eviction twice and a lot of financial pressure. I know a good number of women don't feel this financial grace when widowed. And my favorite moment of grace is that, the day before, when my husband had called me at work, my phone accidentally began recording us right before the two of us said "bye". So, I have that gift. 


This isn't the ending I would have chosen. I prayed for healing for years for my husband. I laid hands on him in the hospital after I got there, even being all alone at the time. I asked the staff to blindfold me so that I wouldn't chicken out. And I still believe for great encounters in the areas of healing. However, in Deep Waters - Part 1 when I mentioned Holy Spirit standing on the back of a boat, peacefully watching me drown in clear water, I stated then how I knew he was saying I wasn't in control anymore. 


When she encouraged me to pray about being a caretaker and then my husband passed four days later, it was a door that God's wisdom shut, and my counselor was as floored as I was. Was it his perfect will? I don't believe so. But I don't believe it's his perfect will that any of us are sick, because sickness doesn't exist in heaven. I've asked God why this was the ending he allowed, to which I have my thoughts about. But for now, those thoughts will be pondered only in my heart and with a chosen safe few. I am also giving God time to move and speak on that question. Regardless, the ending was permitted, and it was made clear that I was not to be a caretaker in this season. So what that means is that I am meant to put my energy elsewhere until the Lord calls me home as well. I look forward to that day, and I wished for that day here and there after he passed, but I see with clarity that the time I have is to be used wisely, and God has other callings for me in this season.


This isn't the end of my story, but only this chapter. It's time to turn the page. And the page can turn now because God pulled me out of deep waters, as well as my husband. I don't love it, but I love God. The last time I prayed with my husband was about a week before he died, and the last thing I saw in my mind was Jesus as the shepherd with his staff. He was going left off a path, and he was patiently waiting for me/us to follow, just looking back at us. I just didn't know where we were going. I couldn't have imagined. But he has been faithful to lead, provide, and rescue. As my counselor stated wisely, it's best when we get in God's current and ride with him versus fighting against it.  So until my time comes to go home, I have things to do. And if God allows me to stay on this earth 50 more years, my prayer is that I bring glory to him. If he takes me home tomorrow, I pray I brought glory to him while I was here, including this post. He has done a new thing with my husband, and he is doing a new thing with me (Isa 43:19). And one day, we'll see each other again. I look forward to that day. God is genuinely working all things for good, for hope and a future (Rom 8:28; Jer 29:11).





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